Are men not exploited?

In my previous posting on 17^th June, 2012 episode of SJ,  I concluded by saying ``that I  really wonder if domestic violence means violence against female only and is it restricted to only physical violence – what about mental and emotional harassment?   Though in majority of the cases it is the wives who are subjected to domestic violence, I am not ready to accept that husbands are not subject to domestic violence – especially the emotional variety at the hands of wives, with blind and unmindful, misleading and destructive support from mother and siblings’’.

In every walk of life when we refer to exploitation, it is always construed to be of a female and it is projected as if all the sufferings are falling on the lap of a female and they all are bestowed by men.    It is almost made to believe that the male does not have any problems/suffering and they are not exploited at all, and even if they are exploited, it is never in the hands of female. 

For every man who indulges in domestic violence, I know ten men who are loving husbands and caring and doting fathers especially to daughters.    I always believed that daughters don’t feel more safe and secure anywhere except in the presence and company of their father.    Life may not come to an end but by no means will be as smooth for a wife without her husband.  Barring the period of adolescence and few years after joining job there is hardly any period in the long journey of life of a male where he lives for himself.      He keeps on changing jobs and business and boldly goes in to the untested terrines of new jobs/business, new atmosphere and new people and new situations and new tensions/pressures so that he can earn little bit more for making the lives of his spouse and children more comfortable, he can save some amount for them or pay a `beyond the means’ installment for purchasing properties which too are destined to be given in inheritance to the spouse and children (statistics demonstrate that in India the husband goes ahead of his wife to the heavenly abode -  may be to make sure a smooth passage to the spouse who follows much later in leisure).   

In the not-so-economically sound middle class families, the situation is grimmer.   Examples are galore where the male member of the family does multiple jobs to earn more to support family/give better standard of life, and if not lucky enough to be gainfully employed  keep on borrowing on a continuous basis from the loan sharks going through the ignominy of extended a borrowing bowl and in most cases mortagage valuables including in some cases his dream house which he made with his small earnings and struggle to repay and retain the valuables mortaged.    Unfortunately, in many cases they get crushed under the heavy debt and lose their valuable assets and some times their precious lives as has been happening in `suicides by farmers’.    Can anyone by any stretch of imagination, say that it is any lesser humiliation than many of those which females go through.       Even if many succeed in managing without borrowing in ordinary circumstances, they too readily do so when it comes to perform the marriages of their daughter normally beyond their means and sacrifice their comfortable and secure future for the comfort of their daughters and I haven’t seen any father ever complaining about it, but quietly working harder to make up.

Once the male steps out and goes to office he is subjected to all sorts of exploitation and humiliation.     A few samples are:

1.      A male boss, who is sugar tongued with female colleagues lets loose the hell when it comes to  admonishing a male subordinate for flimsy reasons

2.      A female receptionist who sits like a doll at the well appointed reception gets better salary than a sales executive who has to burn his skin in hot sun throughout the day.

3.      I have seen the worst form of exploitation in my first employment where male stenographers used to break their backs by typing on a hard keyed manual typewriters entire day and a female PA/PS job was just to make Tea for her boss twice a day, attending to phone calls and arrange for air ticket once in a while.    But when the turn of increments and promotions come, PA/PS used to walk away with the cake.      Anybody could imagine how frustrated the male feels in such circumstances.    Many of you will agree that it is neither an aberration or exception

4.      Either in Govt. or PSUs male employees are thrown around to all corners of India once every 2/3 years throwing his life out of gear and it take almost life time to get back to a metro city, whereas a female spends her entire career sitting in the metro city where she has joined.

5.      And the worst predicament is that if you have a female boss she can shred you into pieces but if you have female subordinate even if you raise your voice by a decibel, you can face a potential sexual harassment case.

6.      Agreed one should not lose temper on wife and children, junior staff, colleagues specially females and have to be good goody, but without justifying any form of domestic violence, what is the way for the male to give vent to one’s feelings.    Females are lucky enough that they are conditioned and allowed to be emotional and shed loads of tears which are great stress busters.     The pity of a man is that being a `macho’ he is not allowed to shed a tear or two.      Since childhood it is taught that to cry is being a girly and the world ridicules a grown up man breaking into tears.    The same goes with sharing his sense of disappointment, depression and being low.    No wonder that highest number of cases of heart attacks is that of males and it is almost 1:10 ratio between female and male when it comes to heart attacks.    Doesn’t this a clear indication how much of stress a male undergoes.  

7.      So much is made out of male egoism in not helping wife in daily chores and the male is depicted to be non-understanding, non-cooperative and unsympathetic especially when the wife too is working.     I always wonder why planning, organizing, advising and directing are not treated as doing some work.    Does the house run only on what is done in kitchen and bathroom?      Why females do not realize that the meticulous planning (especially the financial), organizing everything that is required in the house, guiding spouse and children in everything they do specially their education is a hell lot of job.    In corporate world the Advisors and Consultants are paid huge amounts and no one expects them to sit in the office and work.   Even a NTR, Amitabh or  Kamal Hassain after working in hundreds of movies also never essayed a single scene of any movie without someone directing them and let’s not forget that the most prestigious award in Oscars is for best director and our first Indian Oscar too was bagged by Satyajit Ray for life time achievement and he was a director a not an actor.    So it is high time that our female clan gives credit to male for the all important task of planning, organizing advising and directing.

Nothing can be more painful than the cribbing loudest by the housewives (or shall we call them home makers as they wish to be called).   Let’s have a sneak preview of what they do (or don’t do what they should have atleast done)

1.      They have a maid servant each for  a) cooking b) washing c) jhadu pocha  and d) taking care of kids

2.       They don’t prefer to go to market to fetch vegetables or any other household items (since it will be hot in summer, very cold in winter and slippery in rainy season) and pay heavy prices by depending on home deliveries.

3.      Making pickles and other bhujiya items in the house is a long forgotten thing.  When you have haldiraam and Swagruha foods all over, who is a fool to sweat it out in the kitchen.   Making `aam-pana’ or lassi to beat heat is so old fashioned and middle class type rather than stocking the fridge with coke.  

4.      Getting up early in the morning, taking bath, putting rangoli on the front yard of the house are all old fashioned, roaming around in nighty till mid day and having breakfast and even lunch before having bath is an in-thing.   It is ofcourse the duty of the husband to give a miss to his gym/morning walking session to leave the kids at bus stop

5.      They have long forgotten what ever little they read in their school/college to be able to guide even the school going children and pay through nose on multiple tuitions taxing the kids on their time and burning a big hole in the pocket of the husband.    But they do not stop wondering why husband cannot help the children with their home work after coming back from office after long hours of work/travel when they cozily enjoy their saas-bahu serials.    

6.      It never comes to them that being house-wife with plenty of spare time in hand, they can do many things to supplement husband’s income or atleast do something at house which results in savings and lessens the financial burden on the husband

It is a fancy to criticize a male for all the problems a female is facing but before doing so you must picture for a minute husband who himself feels the labour pains outside the ward when his wife delivers his child, blows balloons and climbs up the precarious ladder to decorate the house on his daughter’s birthday, holds and runs after the cycle giving first lessons to daughter in balancing in life, shadows and acts her unpaid bodyguard from her school days onwards and cries the loudest at `bidai’, the teacher who pays special attention to guide and the officer in the office who gives the first lessons of corporate life and acts as a mentor.       It is unfortunate that people with blurred vision are not able to see this side of the coin and the `sadhu’ in the male and always see and project the `saitan’ in him.

S. Prabhakar

21.6.2012

PS : Before anyone reaches to the pre-mature conclusion that I may be having lot of  problems  with the female in my life and I am a male-chauvinist, let me clarify that I am divinely  blessed with some great and kind females in my life – and the female members of my family made my wife so wonderful and fulfilling – first my loving, caring and protective mother and sister and then a `fantastic and one of her kind’ wife who gives an unconditional support in all my endeavors in life and two lovely daughters around whom my world  revolves and also some talented female colleagues who contributed in my success in career and who always looked upon me as a mentor.    I have no hesitation in admitting that the pampering by my mother and wife has made me an eternal lazy and I do not do any household chores except eating the tasty food they cook while watching TV all the time and to that extent I am  surely  a `bad guy’.   May be post retirement my grand children may make me work at house too, to the delight of my mother, wife and daughters – till that time I keep enjoying life watching  TV and movies, take lot of photographs and making movies with them.       

This article is only a reflection of what I very keenly and impartially observed all around over decades.