Are men not exploited?
In my previous posting on 17th June, 2012 episode
of SJ, I concluded by saying ``that
I really wonder if domestic violence
means violence against female only and is it restricted to only physical
violence – what about mental and emotional harassment? Though in majority of the cases it is the
wives who are subjected to domestic violence, I am not ready to accept that
husbands are not subject to domestic violence – especially the emotional variety
at the hands of wives, with blind and unmindful, misleading and destructive
support from mother and siblings’’.
In every walk of life when we refer to exploitation,
it is always construed to be of a female and it is projected as if all the
sufferings are falling on the lap of a female and they all are bestowed by men. It is almost made to believe that the male
does not have any problems/suffering and they are not exploited at all, and
even if they are exploited, it is never in the hands of female.
For every man who indulges in domestic violence, I
know ten men who are loving husbands and caring and doting fathers especially
to daughters. I always believed that
daughters don’t feel more safe and secure anywhere except in the presence and
company of their father. Life may not
come to an end but by no means will be as smooth for a wife without her
husband. Barring the period of
adolescence and few years after joining job there is hardly any period in the
long journey of life of a male where he lives for himself. He keeps on changing jobs and business and
boldly goes in to the untested terrines of new jobs/business, new atmosphere
and new people and new situations and new tensions/pressures so that he can
earn little bit more for making the lives of his spouse and children more
comfortable, he can save some amount for them or pay a `beyond the means’ installment
for purchasing properties which too are destined to be given in inheritance to
the spouse and children (statistics demonstrate that in India the husband goes
ahead of his wife to the heavenly abode - may be to make sure a smooth passage to the
spouse who follows much later in leisure).
In the not-so-economically sound middle class
families, the situation is grimmer.
Examples are galore where the male member of the family does multiple
jobs to earn more to support family/give better standard of life, and if not
lucky enough to be gainfully employed keep on borrowing on a continuous basis from
the loan sharks going through the ignominy of extended a borrowing bowl and in
most cases mortagage valuables including in some cases his dream house which he
made with his small earnings and struggle to repay and retain the valuables
mortaged. Unfortunately, in many cases they get crushed
under the heavy debt and lose their valuable assets and some times their
precious lives as has been happening in `suicides by farmers’. Can
anyone by any stretch of imagination, say that it is any lesser humiliation
than many of those which females go through.
Even if many succeed in
managing without borrowing in ordinary circumstances, they too readily do so
when it comes to perform the marriages of their daughter normally beyond their
means and sacrifice their comfortable and secure future for the comfort of
their daughters and I haven’t seen any father ever complaining about it, but
quietly working harder to make up.
Once the male steps out and goes to office he is
subjected to all sorts of exploitation and humiliation. A few samples are:
1.
A male boss, who
is sugar tongued with female colleagues lets loose the hell when it comes
to admonishing a male subordinate for
flimsy reasons
2.
A female
receptionist who sits like a doll at the well appointed reception gets better
salary than a sales executive who has to burn his skin in hot sun throughout
the day.
3.
I have seen the
worst form of exploitation in my first employment where male stenographers used
to break their backs by typing on a hard keyed manual typewriters entire day and
a female PA/PS job was just to make Tea for her boss twice a day, attending to
phone calls and arrange for air ticket once in a while. But when the turn of increments and
promotions come, PA/PS used to walk away with the cake. Anybody could imagine how frustrated the male
feels in such circumstances. Many of
you will agree that it is neither an aberration or exception
4.
Either in Govt.
or PSUs male employees are thrown around to all corners of India once every 2/3
years throwing his life out of gear and it take almost life time to get back to
a metro city, whereas a female spends her entire career sitting in the metro
city where she has joined.
5.
And the worst
predicament is that if you have a female boss she can shred you into pieces but
if you have female subordinate even if you raise your voice by a decibel, you
can face a potential sexual harassment case.
6.
Agreed one should
not lose temper on wife and children, junior staff, colleagues specially
females and have to be good goody, but without justifying any form of domestic
violence, what is the way for the male to give vent to one’s feelings. Females are lucky enough that they are
conditioned and allowed to be emotional and shed loads of tears which are great
stress busters. The pity of a man is
that being a `macho’ he is not allowed to shed a tear or two. Since childhood it is taught that to cry
is being a girly and the world ridicules a grown up man breaking into
tears. The same goes with sharing his
sense of disappointment, depression and being low. No wonder that highest number of cases of
heart attacks is that of males and it is almost 1:10 ratio between female and
male when it comes to heart attacks.
Doesn’t this a clear indication how much of stress a male
undergoes.
7.
So much is made
out of male egoism in not helping wife in daily chores and the male is depicted
to be non-understanding, non-cooperative and unsympathetic especially when the
wife too is working. I always wonder
why planning, organizing, advising and directing are not treated as doing some
work. Does the house run only on what
is done in kitchen and bathroom? Why
females do not realize that the meticulous planning (especially the financial),
organizing everything that is required in the house, guiding spouse and
children in everything they do specially their education is a hell lot of
job. In corporate world the Advisors
and Consultants are paid huge amounts and no one expects them to sit in the
office and work. Even a NTR, Amitabh
or Kamal Hassain after working in
hundreds of movies also never essayed a single scene of any movie without
someone directing them and let’s not forget that the most prestigious award in
Oscars is for best director and our first Indian Oscar too was bagged by
Satyajit Ray for life time achievement and he was a director a not an actor. So it is high time that our female clan gives
credit to male for the all important task of planning, organizing advising and
directing.
Nothing can be more painful than the cribbing loudest
by the housewives (or shall we call them home makers as they wish to be called). Let’s have a sneak preview of what they do
(or don’t do what they should have atleast done)
1.
They have a maid
servant each for a) cooking b) washing
c) jhadu pocha and d) taking care of
kids
2.
They don’t prefer to go to market to fetch
vegetables or any other household items (since it will be hot in summer, very
cold in winter and slippery in rainy season) and pay heavy prices by depending
on home deliveries.
3.
Making pickles
and other bhujiya items in the house is a long forgotten thing. When you have haldiraam and Swagruha foods
all over, who is a fool to sweat it out in the kitchen. Making `aam-pana’ or lassi to beat heat is
so old fashioned and middle class type rather than stocking the fridge with
coke.
4.
Getting up early
in the morning, taking bath, putting rangoli on the front yard of the house are
all old fashioned, roaming around in nighty till mid day and having breakfast and
even lunch before having bath is an in-thing.
It is ofcourse the duty of the husband to give a miss to his gym/morning
walking session to leave the kids at bus stop
5.
They have long
forgotten what ever little they read in their school/college to be able to
guide even the school going children and pay through nose on multiple tuitions
taxing the kids on their time and burning a big hole in the pocket of the
husband. But they do not stop
wondering why husband cannot help the children with their home work after
coming back from office after long hours of work/travel when they cozily enjoy
their saas-bahu serials.
6.
It never comes to
them that being house-wife with plenty of spare time in hand, they can do many
things to supplement husband’s income or atleast do something at house which
results in savings and lessens the financial burden on the husband
It is a fancy to criticize a male for all the problems
a female is facing but before doing so you must picture for a minute husband
who himself feels the labour pains outside the ward when his wife delivers his
child, blows balloons and climbs up the precarious ladder to decorate the house
on his daughter’s birthday, holds and runs after the cycle giving first lessons
to daughter in balancing in life, shadows and acts her unpaid bodyguard from
her school days onwards and cries the loudest at `bidai’, the teacher who pays
special attention to guide and the officer in the office who gives the first
lessons of corporate life and acts as a mentor. It is unfortunate that people with
blurred vision are not able to see this side of the coin and the `sadhu’ in the
male and always see and project the `saitan’ in him.
S. Prabhakar
21.6.2012
PS : Before anyone reaches to the pre-mature conclusion
that I may be having lot of problems with the female in my life and I am a
male-chauvinist, let me clarify that I am divinely blessed with some great and kind females in my
life – and the female members of my family made my wife so wonderful and
fulfilling – first my loving, caring and protective mother and sister and then
a `fantastic and one of her kind’ wife who gives an unconditional support in
all my endeavors in life and two lovely daughters around whom my world revolves and also some talented female
colleagues who contributed in my success in career and who always looked upon
me as a mentor. I have no hesitation
in admitting that the pampering by my mother and wife has made me an eternal
lazy and I do not do any household chores except eating the tasty food they
cook while watching TV all the time and to that extent I am surely a `bad guy’.
May be post retirement my grand
children may make me work at house too, to the delight of my mother, wife and
daughters – till that time I keep enjoying life watching TV and movies, take lot of photographs and
making movies with them.
This article is only a reflection of what I very keenly
and impartially observed all around over decades.
