SJ on `neglecting of aged parents’

15^th July, 2012 episode of SJ has taken up the sensitive issue of `neglecting of aged parents’.   The entire programme was summed up by one of the participant when he said that there used to be time when a mother used to cry that the child was not eating food and now time has come when the mother is crying because the child is not giving her food.   

Pramila Krishnan made startling revelation that in some parts of Tamil Nadu, the children started killing parents and it has a become a tradition sort and they call it a `talaikutal’ (head bath) and the relatives are also intimated post the act and it is taken as perfect moral way of terminating the `perceived overstay of old people on this earth’.   Some children are kind enough to make it less painful for the parents by getting poisonous injection administered.    A scary and forced mercy killing.   This is done for getting away from the responsibility of taking care of old, frail and diseased old parents/grand parents who are treated as hindrance for the progress in their lives.

Mr. Rath  has practically explained the economical angle.  In many cases the problem comes because people have planned and programmed thinking that their life expectancy will be 60 years whereas it has gone up to around 80 years so 20 years post retirement for a male and another 10 years or so after that for his wife were unplanned which makes them vulnerable with children feeling the burden of carrying for few more years.  Added to this those who don’t have financial independence or innocent enough to pass on the property to children in their life time under bouts of sentiments will invite troubles because there will not be any self-serving motive left for the children to take care of their old parents.  The properties held in the name of parents still acts as carrot for a stage-managed display of love, affection and care, which though made to believe, gives some comfort and solace to parents.  

Loneliness: In advanced age, more specially, if the aged person is a widow or a widower the loneliness, feeling of being neglected, not given importance compounds the problems for the elderly people.  Very interesting statistics revealed that in voting the majority of the voters are above the 60 age of and most of our politicians too are in the same age group.   The expert who appeared was of the view that it is in a way of assertion of their voice, which is not ever heard by anyone else.   The video clippings of `Dada Dadi’ park whose slogan is `Budha hoga tera baap’, where elderly people were shown singing, dancing, and even playing cricket is very refreshing and quite unbelievable and I would definitely like to join one of such parks when I really feel old (if at all I feel).   The humorous part of the programme was the chat with the old couple who got married when the gentleman was 72 years old and enjoying the bliss of married life for the last 7 years.  As pointed out by the aged wife the gentleman was looking aged in the marriage photos but looked healthy now.  An association in Ahemedabad is giving platform for the aged single men and women to meet and forge alliance for live-in relations.  I strongly feel that live-in relations, at a platonic level, will be a reality amongst aged couple only.   

Mr. Narainan Mahajan, 91, has done amazing feats of trekking to a peak of 3,500 feet and has done raffling between two cliffs which earned him a place in Limca Books of records.  His mantra of good health is compared to normal capacity eat half, take water two times, exercise three times, laugh four times.  Lead a satisfied old age for which tension should not be there and if you don’t want tension don’t keep your expectations high.  

Amazingly Mrs. Chandralomo Tomar and Mrs. Prakashi Tomar two very elderly ladies from a small village in UP have taken to shooting at a very advance age and won lot of medals.  Mrs. Chandralomo concluded with a witty punch line that `tan budha hota hai man nahi’.

My take:  No one can deny that parents make their best efforts and make lot of scarifies in bringing up their children and when they grow old it becomes the moral duty of the children to take care of the aging parents to the best of one’s ability so as to ensure that in the last leg of their life they don’t face any discomfort, anxiety and anguish.

The best way to recollect what parents have done for us is by remembering the number of times mother has not slept the entire night taking care of the child running high fever or any other ailments and her not taking any food on all those days on which her kids have not taken food for whatever reason including as a protest for the scolding received from parents for their mistakes.  All the efforts made by father to earn that extra rupee, and beg and borrow for educating the children and get them married off especially the daughters.   I never stop wondering that when the child get infected by chicken pox/small pox, which is treated to be so highly infectious that no one is permitted to go near the infected children and they are confined to one corner of a room in the house, it is only mother who stays with the child till full recovery and she never get infected.  God has gifted the Mother with fantastic immunity apart from other great qualities.

My first exposure, at a very young age, to the neglect, rejection and travail of the aged is a look at the widows who used to struggle to earn two square meals either staying and slogging throughout the day at widow-homes or shuttling from one relatives house to another serving them at the times of marriages and/or child-delivery.   In some cases the children of the widows have washed off their hands on them.  From that time onwards I kept witnessing such acts of negligence of parents to some degree or the other. In many cases it happens because of the children unwittingly turning their old parents as unsung, un-acknowledged and in all cases unpaid ayas (maid-servants) to their children.    Children staying with their parents or keeping the aged parents has this `taking the care of their kids’ angle to it. While bothering about their own children and their comfort, one tends to forget about the discomfort to their own aged parents in the form of their not been able to go to bus stop in hot summer, or thundering and flooding rains or chilling winter to pick up grand children, not been able to take rest in the afternoon, not having their own freedom to decide what to do, where to go at their own will and so on and so forth

The Reality Check:

While undoubtedly advocating that the children should do everything within (or even beyond) their means/disposal to make the lives of their aging parents as comfortable as possible, but aged parents should also take a reality check of their expectations and whether they are in sync with constraints thrown up by the modern jet set age.  Though parents do not make it public the ill-treatment in the hands of their children as suggested in the programme, there is always undercurrents and nagging making the existence very unpleasant. There is no doubt that beyond certain age the parents start behaving like kids expecting too much of attention, care, stubbornness and when the children keep a tab and put restrictions on their movements, eating habits and living styles (in the same way the parents have done when their children were kids for their good), there will be lot of resistance.  Lack of clear and open communication between parents and children airing their opinion, views discomforts, misgivings and misunderstandings and choosing to communicate through taunts and comparisons especially directed towards ‘the fall-guy for all reasons and seasons’ daughter-in-law.   In many house-holds the things takes an ugly turn after this and it will be a one way traffic from then onwards. I vividly remember my wife telling me that she used to find a very elderly uncle known to us in our locality quietly and sheepishly having street food and lightheartedly saying that his kids don’t let him have spicy food at home and that’s why he has to do it.  But the fact was whenever that elderly gentleman used to have spicy food, he used to suffer from indigestion and suffer because of which his children had to keep him under check.   If facts are not known, this could be translated into ill-treatment.  In the same way because of various constrains of modern times like both husband and wife working in high pressure jobs with long and unpredictable working hours children find it difficult to manage time to attend to the needs of their elderly parents despite their best intentions.   In such circumstances if the elder parents are to be put in a well-maintained old-age home with all amenities during the day time or during week days where they get good company, better attention and medical care and security it is dubbed as throwing out the aged parents.  Though no parent or no child likes, we do send our kids to crèches from very young age and no one treats that as abandoning of the children.    Parents, on their part, should be progressive, practical open-minded and adaptable and children should be companionate, compromising, caring and exhibit great degree of patience as they do with their own children since elderly parents tend to become and behave like children.   A better communication dispels lot of misgiving in such matters and there could be peace and happiness.

About Aamir: at the beginning of the programme Aamir tried to exhibit a high moral ground by saying that he is doing this programme as part of discharging his social responsibility.  He is reported to be charging around Rs. 3 cores per episode – what a fancy way of discharging social responsibility.   While he makes appeals to people to send SMS and some part of the revenue goes to some charity and an equal amount being contributed by Reliance foundation,  but till date he did not contribute a single penny from his fat remuneration.   Within 5 minutes into the programme immediately after showing the first video clipping of the plight of old ladies in UP, camera was zoomed on to his face and tears rolling down his cheeks unabatedly.   I really wonder being a seasoned actor how come he finds it so difficult to control his emotions – but if it is part of the script that he has to do so, being a top actor he is doing a great job of it – I have no doubt in my mind that it is proving to be counterproductive and may soon become a laughing stock. While introducing the programme he said that India is the only country where we touch the feet of elders as a mark of respect, but even when he has gone down into audience to meet a 91 years old man he just shook hands and hugged rather than paying respect by touching his feet.  There lies the difference between an Aamir and an Amitabh.  

Satyameva Jayate

S. Prabhakar

15^th July, 2012